Posts Tagged ‘2011’

New Year’s Restitution 2011


2011
01.02

My life is not where I thought it would be. I should have a master’s degree, a nicer house, and a decent income. There should be a boat in my garage along with a truck large enough to pull it. Instead, I have one semester of college under my belt and no garage to store a truck or boat. My list of shoulda, coulda, woulda’s is long. I have asked myself many times, “What could I have done differently?” The process goes on and on, but I always come to the same conclusion. My life, no matter where it is, includes my wife and our four children, and the thought that even one “right” choice could potentially mess with that scares me. I love my life even if there is a lot I do not like about it, because it includes them.

I have tried (almost successfully) to stop asking the question concerning my past. It’s over. I cannot change it. I will not forget it. I can only move forward.

I have a bad habit of over-correcting. I’m kind of like that Boise St. kicker. If I’m wide right the first time, I’ll probably be wide left the next… I just hope for a third shot. I began to ask myself, “What should I do next?” The question was not really that different though. I would ask the question as if I had it to do over again. By the time I began asking this question, it had little to do with my career or income and everything to do with my children and wife. I remembered telling Jonathan several times how tired I was and how I didn’t feel like throwing the ball right now. I decided to make up for my fathering deficiencies. But my children were older now and the same things did not apply in the same way. This brought on more depression. I felt like a total failure and that I could never make up for any of it. I even felt that if I read to my youngest daughter every night that would not be fair to the others that I seldom read to.

The question began to beat like a drum in my head and I became very confused until I realized there was a better question. “What should I do right now?” I have put it into limited practice over the past few months, but now I think it should be the question I ask the most. I could approach life with regrets of the past or promises of the future but I will do neither. I will take what now gives me and make the most of it.

The funny thing is this has come somewhat full circle, because “living in the moment” is what got me here in the first place. However, this is different… I will not live with a reckless abandon to what surrounds me. Instead, I will live with a new understanding that I can only act now and must do so with an awareness of everything in my reach.